"And get us all some lemonade. See the "50" in the bottom left? Give him a really nice fish? It isn't as spiritually enlightening, but it will make the lady aliens yell out about God a lot. Undaunted by the fact that he's the subject of widespread mockery, the developer went on to make a sequel about the life of Muhammad.

Watch Video. Important History Question: Where Did Jesus's Foreskin Go? Joseph looks baffled by what he's seeing, and I don't blame him. You do nothing but spend the whole game trying to keep Israel tidy, like it's one giant living room. Apparently Jesus has been slacking, because no one in the game is aware that sloth is a sin.

So I guess there's more than one Father of Lies in this Bible tale.

Give the kids you care about a wholesome game with powerful values! That's how much crap I have to pick up to complete this level. This isn't the tutorial easing you into the game. But you may not find them in the mainstream gaming outlets that sell X-Box and PS3 games. Anyway, the first planet they visit is the underwater world of Vet, where players are challenged to explain the concept of baptism to a people who know nothing but water. Now I understand why the Bible's always going on about enduring suffering. They seem harmless at first, but hang on a second. They will deactivate him, Lady, if you're too lazy to feed yourself, you have problems that baptism isn't going to solve. Little help?"

MDickie A swashbuckling video game of the bible Where families craft, quest, & discover the biblical story together. MDickie From being able to drown baby Moses in Bible Adventures to losing your good Christian soldiers to the perils of contemporary music and Arabs in Left Behind: Eternal Forces, Christian video games have long and hilariously struggled to preach through the world of gaming. Home Country: HondurasPersonality: Creative and joyfulPassion: Making people smileTheme Verse: Nehemiah 8:10Keyword: ENJOY. "Those who live by the sword will die by my sword.".      Â. These planets are supposedly newly discovered, and yet there's not a single flesh and blood being on Whammo. Well, I guess I'm doomed to the eternal fires of hell. They love it, and I love that I can leave them to play and not have to worry! Home Country: United StatesPersonality: Strong and wisePassion: Seeking answersTheme Verse: II Timothy 3:16Keyword: THINK. But he loves those of you with expendable income more. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. If your assumption is that the game uses the standard RPG model to focus on storytelling and dialogue while keeping combat to a minimum, you haven't been paying attention to this article. and after three days he will be reimaged.". So who built the robots, where did they go, and where did those robots get their facial hair? Come on, get your shit together. ", "I have five kids ages 5 to 12. WholeTone Games It's great for our family!". Home Country: United KingdomPersonality: Loving and carefreePassion: Purposeful adventuresTheme Verse: Matthew 22:37-39Keyword: CARE. Join us in Lightglider Academy on a computer this Wednesday at 4pm EST to play some Follow the Leader! Action and quiz challenges are combined for a Bible lesson everyone can enjoy! Well, I do that and get to the water, where I can talk to Jesus ... right after I clear out the thorn bushes that are between us, because apparently it's a sin to slightly raise your voice or step around foliage. From the United Kingdom, TOVA goes on purposeful adventures to help others. From Honduras, SANTIAGO is the life of the party! In this interactive adventure, un facts about Bible stories wil be revealed to educate and entertain the family. Sunday Software The game actually has a full-on battle system, albeit one that apparently decides fights at random. Perfect for youth groups, Vacation Bible School events, Sunday School games, and after-school activities! You can read more from Mark, including his proposal for a cooking game about Buddha, on his website. Use this Bible game to teach about self-worth and social media “Likes” addiction. Jesus in Space features Captain Paul Hammer, which is what you get when you combine an apostle with an '80s TV cop; Lieutenant Stu Dent, whose name appears to be some sort of clever reference that I haven't worked out yet; and Shelbot the Overly Brainy Robot, which is a really judgmental name.

Then things get weird: MDickie

The characters are too cartoonish, like stereotypes of what game characters actually look like. Working behind the scenes, he wants to solve the blight problem. For surely even the most hardcore atheist knows well the story of how Jesus spent his life putzing about and recruiting followers with small bribes they could have easily picked up themselves if they weren't a bunch of lazy beatniks.

So, how do you convert this sinner to the path of righteousness? Paul Allen Panks But there's more to The You Testament than kicking Jesus in the junk until he threatens to murder you -- you're supposed to follow him around the Holy Land and witness a very loose interpretation of his life. Copyright ©2005-2020. That's actually pretty cute and clever, and oh shit, these people are direct descendants of the Deep Ones.

Dear Lord, this is a planet of evangelical Terminators. Providing only one-word hints, clue givers try to get their teammate to guess a given word or phrase. The Lightglider Adventure Series offers engaging comic book stories that point to biblical truths. While you'd assume his move set would be limited to "loud, distracting crying" and "shitting himself," Jesus calls down angels to buff the party with defensive powers. Often without a plan, she's not afraid to improvise! "Pick up the pebbles that are literally at my feet for me." And if you're going to take that approach, you might as well go all the way and make Grand Theft Camel. Lightside Games From the United States, MARLON is a warrior scholar. An exciting, fast paced Christian game for church or home. Guys, I don't think this is going to have any animal clitorises at all. It sounds like a game show, but it's actually a world of robots that Stu teaches about the Last Supper. Despite being less than a day old, Jesus is more than happy to help slaughter every Roman soldier in their way. From canvas to marble, geniuses like Michelangelo, Raphael, and the other Ninja Turtles endeavored to recreate the serenity, grace, and holy power of God's son. But there's one thing few developers have tried, and that's letting gamers play as the original action hero, Jesus Christ.

Never mind that using electricity to baptize people in water is pretty much the worst idea short of replacing communion wafers with grenades -- "John" and "Jesus" worship a god alright, but that god is Father Dagon. MDickie Some errors are minor oversights (Jesus asks you to bring him something to be turned into wine, allowing you to witness the amazing miracle of wine being turned into wine). Sunday Software Dmitry Kalinovsky/iStock/Getty Images In the next stage, a woman wants to be baptized by John, but she's too hungry to take the eight steps required. Journey of Jesus: The Calling is the Facebook game for people who think FarmVille's a bunch of secular hippie nonsense. "Learning the story of Jesus" is 1 percent hanging out with Yeshua and 99 percent performing errands for lazy assholes. But to be fair, plenty of classic video games aren't visually appealing.

It encourages family discussions about the true story of our Creator, who loves us and shows us RESPECT, who sent His Son Jesus to RESCUE us, and who promises to RESTORE this broken world one day. From South Korea, KWAN developed the armor used by Lightgliders.

Which for robots would be, what, oil? I'm pretty sure this was an indentured servitude simulator before they decided to throw Jesus in. It's just an educational game for churches that want to look hip and kid-friendly but don't want to shell out for a Wii U. Sunday Software So, like every Facebook game, you have to either come back hours later or throw down real money to keep playing. From being able to drown baby Moses in Bible Adventures to losing your good Christian soldiers to the perils of contemporary music and Arabs in Left Behind: Eternal Forces, Christian video games have long and hilariously struggled to preach through the world of gaming.It's hard to talk about love and tolerance while also encouraging players to kill everything in sight. He shares joy, beauty, music, and jokes wherever he goes. When you finally reach the odd moments involving Jesus, it's hard to take him seriously, because look at him: He doesn't look like the son of God being tempted by Satan in the desert; he looks like Zach Galifianakis being tempted into a strip club by Ryan Reynolds. Home Country: TanzaniaPersonality: Ambitious and organizedPassion: Training new LightglidersTheme Verse: Matthew 5:14-16Keyword: LEAD. She uses her gifts of hospitality to serve others and help them on their missions. Although a surprisingly large part of the Old Testament was Roman soldiers assaulting midgets with anachronistic steel pipes. John 3:16. That's ... not a thing, but the name makes it clear that she's not planning on cutting down trees with it. Upon your return, the quest giver will be overwhelmed by the miraculous delivery time of God's courier and pledge their allegiance. He boldly goes into the Yonders on missions to rescue and restore. I'm sure that offended absolutely nobody whatsoever. has a game failed so spectacularly to deliver on the mental images the title put in my head. They're on a "Great Commission Adventure" to teach newly discovered worlds the Gospel, which seems like an odd task to assign a child, a psychologically damaged robot, and a captain who looks like he'd rather be teaching the wisdom of James T. Kirk. And thus begins the classic biblical tale of Mary and Joseph journeying to Bethlehem, and also sending several dozen bandits straight to the fires of hell by sawing their heads off. "And Jesus did preach: Be wary when it is pitch black, for it is likely you will be eaten by grues.". But don't kick too many midgets or a weird bald guy will come troll your crucifixion.

It's hard to talk about love and tolerance while also encouraging players to kill everything in sight.

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